UNDERSTANDING YOUR LIFE POST-ADOPTION
Karen J. Foli, Ph.D. and John R. Thompson, M.D.

Let’s start by stating that we unequivocally believe in adoption. We believe that adoption is a joyous path to building a family, a path built upon unconditional love.

We also believe that it’s okay to talk about the stress and emotional ups and downs that the process of adoption can bring. We create many expectations for ourselves as adoptive parents. Often these expectations exceed what we are capable of achieving, or we lack the support or resources or knowledge to achieve what we had expected. Here are common emotions expressed by the parents who shared their feelings about the post-adoption period with us:

Kathy: With our first child—he just wasn’t gaining any weight—and we kept taking him back to the doctor. We didn’t know what to do. My husband kept saying, ‘They’re going to take him away from us. I just know it.’ I wondered if we were the best parents for him. I felt so overwhelmed and confused.

Laura: I feel a lot of stress about William, our second one. I keep thinking, ‘Will I ever love him as much as my first son?’ I mean, I love him, but not with the same intensity as my first child. I can tell you the very instant I bonded with him. Just days after we got him. And with William, we’ve had some physical problems with him that have been hard to deal with. He’s been home about five months. But I’m sure the feelings will come. I’m sure they will.

Robert: I’m worried about my wife. Since our son came home, things have changed. Instead of being happy, she’s pretty upset most of the time. Our son came with issues we weren’t anticipating. I mean, he’s healthy and all that. But it’s like we haven’t blended emotionally yet. I’m not sure what to do to help make things right either.

EXPECTATIONS:
We hold expectations of ourselves as parents. At times these expectations are at a level of consciousness that may not bubble to the surface until we actually confront them: “I am going to be a perfect parent. I’ve told the social worker/birthparent again and again how great I’ll be.”

We hold expectations of our family and friends. Confusion and emotional injury can result when those we love hesitate to embrace the family we have created through adoption.

We hold expectations of our adoption professionals. We expect to have full disclosure of our child’s history. We expect to have post-adoption support services offered to us with a knowledgeable, nonjudgmental heart ready to listen.

We hold expectations of the birthparent. We grieve with them. We seek legitimacy as a parent; we seek healing for all.

We hold expectations of society. We expect to be received as a family just like any other family. Somehow it might never have occurred to us that being an adoptive family meant being a minority and somehow answerable to society about how our family came to be.

WHAT TO DO:
First, take a deep breath. Next, talk to someone you trust. Prepare an adoption story to offer to society that you’re comfortable with; one that protects the family’s boundaries. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself physically.
Be clear about what support you need from others. Remember what you feel may not be what your child is feeling. Seek support immediately if you feel that you are at risk for losing control with your child.

While this list is far from comprehensive, we hope it will guide you in the right direction. Remember, it’s okay to talk about how you’re feeling. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to your family.

Karen J. Foli, Ph.D. and John R. Thompson, M.D. are the authors of THE POST-ADOPTION BLUES (Rodale Press, 2004) Web Site: www.karenfoli.com © 2005